Today is My 21st Birthday
Today is my 21st Birthday.
Not because I am 21. I am 41 years old. But if you remember... I grew up a Jehovah's Witness - which means I had never celebrated my own Birthday. I had never celebrated ANYONE's birthday.
When I woke up on the date of my Birth, it was just another day.
When one of my classmates had a Birthday, I was sent to the Library so that the class could celebrate. I would wait until the party was over and then I was called back to class.
At some point I was allowed to stay in the classroom during the Birthday parties, but I was not allowed to eat the Birthday Cupcakes that were passed around. Instead, my mom would pack me a mini snicker bar to eat while all the other kids ate the Birthday cupcakes.
I don't know what was more awkward... being sent out of the class so that the kids could sing Happy Birthday. Or having all the kids look at me wondering why I was eating a snicker bar while they ate a cupcake?
Growing up - I was never allowed to go to a friend's Birthday party. I always had to remind them that I couldn't go when they handed me an invitation. I had to tell my best friends at school that I was sorry I couldn't go. I understood why I could not go, but just imagine an eight year old trying to figure it out. I tried to explain - but they could not understand. It was just one of those things.
If you are wondering why they do not celebrate Birthdays, it is because:
Birthday celebrations have pagan roots.
The early Christians did not celebrate birthdays.
The only commemoration that Christians are required to keep involves, not a birth, but a death—that of Jesus.
The Bible never refers to a servant of God celebrating a birthday.
- JW.org
There you go. Moving on...
It was not until my 20th Birthday that I actually had my own Birthday cake. I was working at GTE (now Verizon) with thousands of other people. I was going through the trial and, because I was on TV every day, I was INFAMOUS!
I had a group of really cool people that were especially protective of me because so many people would come up and ask questions or point and whisper when I walked down the halls. This day they decided to surprise me in the cafeteria. I had no idea. I had never been surprised for my Birthday - or had anyone acknowledge it. But this time I must have mentioned it to someone and they remembered.
I came into the cafeteria and everyone yelled SURPRISE! There was about 30 of them holding a banner and running up to hug me.
I just remember that I had no idea what to do. I just hugged them and said THANK YOU! Then I saw the cake and I just started crying. It was my very first Birthday cake! And it had my name on it!
I know that sounds strange to other people. Seems like just a normal thing. But it was so strange and wonderful to me!
It was like, by doing this for me, they allowed me to think of my Birthday as my own personal holiday. A celebration of my life. I never thought of it before that. Can you imagine?
So now - I LITERALLY do celebrate my Birthday the WHOLE month of April. That month belongs to me!
And there is only one thing I love about Birthdays more than my own - and that is EVERYONE ELSES Birthday! I enjoy celebrating the people I love SO MUCH! It brings me so much joy. Even more than my own Birthday!
I love celebrating Birthdays with my employees. Every Birthday they pick the flavor of dessert they want and I make a surprise dessert for them. I get so excited to surprise them!
I don't usually celebrate my Birthdays as a party. Mostly just time with family and that's it. I go-go-go so much and so often that I usually like to just chill out on my Birthday.
I remember, on my ACTUAL 21st Birthday, all I wanted to do was go for Chips, Guacamole, and Margaritas. The mayor of Ventura was a friend of mine then, and even though he knew I ran night clubs - he would never let me drink at the restaurant he owned. And the margaritas were famous! So that's all I wanted. I ended up being the designated driver! On my 21st Birthday! haha!!!
Another significant Birthday was 2001. That was the day DAVID showed up on my doorstep.
Yup... That David. Dumped in Dallas David (Chapter 12)
Son of a BITCH!!!
.... he just made me mad all over again...
Anyway.... it was my 24th Birthday. Almost exactly one year after he had disappeared on me. Left me sitting in that hotel room in Dallas.
I was super excited to go to the beach and chill out with my friends. It was unusually hot and we were heading to our favorite spot. I grabbed my keys, phone, towel, and opened the door.
He was standing on the doorstep.
I stopped short. I felt like I was punched in the stomach. It was almost like it wasn't real.
I had cried for months over this guy. My heart was broken. I was so confused. I was so lost. What could have happened for him to do this to me? What did I do? Why did he do this?
Why?
Why?
Why?
And there he was. Just sitting there looking at me.
Hey Beautiful.
I just stared at him. I could not tell if I was in shock. Relieved? Happy? Pissed?
Scared. For some reason I was scared.
What happened to you?!
That's all I could think of to say. I was so worried that maybe I only had one question before he disappeared again.
I'm sorry, love.
What?
I'm sorry.
What does that mean? What happened to you?
I just freaked out and I couldn't face you.
Tell me WHY! What did you freak out about?
As I sat there with my keys in my hand, door knob still in my other hand - he told me about how he started using drugs with his old friends and cousins when he got back to Dallas. Old life that I never knew about.
He had one of his "sessions" after work that night and knew that I would see it if he went to the hotel. When he knew he wouldn't be there as promised he continued his "session." Knowing that I would break up with him if I saw it. Then that night turned into morning. Turned into afternoon. And so on. During his moments of sober he knew there was no going back. So the coward decided to never go back. And left me in that hotel room.
Now here he was. Standing on my doorstep looking at me and apologizing. He was sober, moving back to California. And wanting me back again.
Again. I thought that he would disappear at any moment. I had one moment to say what I needed to say.
I just exploded. I dropped everything in my arms. I cried. I yelled. He tried to reach out for me and I pushed him away like he was attacking me. All my hurt, all my anger, all my sadness all came out on my porch and onto him. I felt all my energy leave me and I began to breath. I felt like I was holding my breath this whole time. I didn't realize it but I was just holding all of the pain in and I released it all on him at that moment.
He sat there with this bewildered look on his face. I was different. I was a little bit harder than he remembered me. He did not know what to say.
I turned. I locked my door. And I walked away leaving him on my porch just looking at me. I got in my car and headed to the beach. I was done. I was set free.
This picture was taken a few hours later.
